My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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