guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
