Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
