Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
