your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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