You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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