i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
