your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
