no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
