I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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