You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
