At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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