Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
