you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
