sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
