There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
