How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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