when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
