I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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