I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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