Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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