Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
