I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
