I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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