The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
