my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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