I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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