eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
