whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
