My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
