The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He felt like a one man threesome
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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