If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Randomize
