i think i have two assholes
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
This toilet bowl is my home.
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