i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
