you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
This house was built for laser tag.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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