My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
