I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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