Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
