we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
wow bdsm is so cute
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