Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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