Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
