WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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