My friends, they love my intelligence
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
