I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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