Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
it's like iHOP with fire
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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