just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
