I can text with my tongue
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
