Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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