I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
