My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
