i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
